


Sexi Kidnapping UWU

by Blueberry_toaD, Dusty_Rubies



Category: Vocaloid, 第五人格 | Identity V (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack Crossover, Crack Treated Seriously, I Don't Even Know, Kidnapping, M/M, Not Beta Read
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:28:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26399461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blueberry_toaD/pseuds/Blueberry_toaD, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dusty_Rubies/pseuds/Dusty_Rubies
Summary: The beloved Aesoup Carl gets kidnapped, resulting in mass panic at the cafe he regulars.  The love of his life Joseph Desaulnier, another regular Tracy Reznik, and a homeless German guy they picked up off the street named Murro go on a conquest to reunite the match made in heaven.But on the other end of the spectrum, Aesop faces the agony of being tormented by the one and only Hatsune Miku (or Mike for short), taunted by the most splendorous matress he has ever seen in his life.
Relationships: Aesop Carl | Embalmer/Joseph Desaulnier | Photographer
Comments: 3
Kudos: 8





	Sexi Kidnapping UWU

**Author's Note:**

> why does this exist

Aesop Carl did not know how he got into this situation. The room he was in was overwhelmingly elegant. The red velvet was lining the bed he was laying on, to the point where he was wanting to get a smite 100 sword and kill whoever was letting him stay on such a nice mattress. He rolled over with a sigh, still trying to wrap his head around all that was happening. He knew he had gotten kidnapped. He was on his way to work, but someone plucked him off the street and brought him to some unknown location. It was a truly dismal situation, and anybody else would be frantic to find some way out, but in all honesty, he was too comfortable to even bother. He decided to just close his eyes, finally settling on getting a decent amount of sleep for once. “Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, it seems you woke up!” An overly cheery voice called. It had an odd accent. Almost otherworldly… Or not even a real accent at all…. Weird. And that’s saying something. He spent his time with Murro. “Oh. I'm guessing you kidnapped me?” Aesops voice was deadpanned, obviously more interested in the sleep that the bed had to offer. “NANI? How did you see through my disguise?” The voice said, bewildered. “What disguise? Who else would talk to me?” The disembodied voice groaned, “Fine bitch boi. I’ll tell you who I am.” The voice cleared its throat. “It is I, Hatsune Miku! World-famous Vocaloid, the dictator of Twitch Prime and creator of Minecraft. (And not to mention the creator of Roblox XD)” The last part of their sentence seemed to be but an echo Aesop scoffed in response, “haha. That's a funny joke. You’re not a real person. You’re a… um… a Vocaloid! Tracy constantly talks about you!.” Aesop declared triumphantly. Though there was a hint of sadness in his voice. He missed his friends. But he’d rather go to hell than admit it. Hatsune’s voice seemed to have a hint of disappointment, “So, you solved my voice puzzle! You will pay for this heinous act, but I have a better use for you dear Aesop Carl.” Aesop chuckles, clearly enjoying Hatsune’s act of trying to be scary. “And, you're going to do what? Yell at me to death?” Hatsune verbally smiles, an evil edge gracing her expression as well, “Fire jets! Bahahaha.” Aesop looks around the room for any evidence of their claim. Only to find none. Aesop shrugs it off and asks, “So what do you want with me? Clearly you want me to do something if you gave me… a death threat.” Aesop wanted to talk about the luxury of the bed, but he didn't want to give them that satisfaction. Hatsune claims, “I want you to make me immortal, to embalm me endlessly! To make sure my life never runs out, the world is mine, and I want to claim it. Of course, to make me immortal you would be as well.” Aesop just sighs as he falls back onto the bed, Aesop groans “Can we start next Monday? I’ve been working all week and I need a break.” Hatsune asks, “What day is it today?” Aesop responds, “Saturday” Hatsune speaks joyfully, “That works for me!” Aesop didn't even hear her response, as he fell asleep. But there was one thing that managed to reach his brain before he fell asleep. The thought of a h̶a̶n̶d̶s̶o̶m̶e̶ friendly french man working at a local coffee shop.

Ironically enough, in a relatively unknown coffee shop by the name of Vocala a fretting french man was clutching a cup of lukewarm coffee to his chest. His eyes were locked on the door, waiting for a particular person to enter through it. He didn’t realize his breath was baited until he let out a violent sneeze, pretty much punching him out of his trance. He heard somebody from across the coffee shop pardon him, to which he thanked them quietly. He knew that he was worrying a little too much, but the embarrassing affection he had for the other was being a persistent pain in the ass. He was willing to wait a little longer, but his unnerving silence was cut short by someone chiming into his thoughts from across the quaint coffee shop. “Hey Joseph, the clock stopped ticking forever ago. Aesop’s not coming.” Tracy siad solemnly. The short blond jokester had an uncharacteristically serious look on her face. “Yeah… man. He definitely isn't um just ausschlafen.” Murro chimed in. His pig squealed in his arms. “Calm down Wilbur.” “I know, why isn’t Aesop here yet?” Joseph muttered, distressed. “Well, what if he was taken to a random mountain in the Himalayas? And what if he was kidnapped by a Vocaloid? AnD wE HaVE tO GO oN an EpIc aDveNturE, TraVeRsIng ThrOuGH dUnGEonS aNd sLayINg MiGHty dRaGonS?” “In ihre… dreams uh Trace.” Murro retorted. “Guys, please take this seriously.” Joseph “Sorry, joking is my way of coping,” Tracy responded guiltily. Murro nodded in agreement. Joseph sighed, “Okay, should we call the police? Or should we wait for a convenient, antiquity timed letter telling us where to find Aesop?” Murro looked around, “Wait for a brief?” Joseph smacked Murro on the head, “No you idiot, we are going to call the police.” Tracy’s face lightens up as she has a realization, “I have an idea!” She pulls out a small remote and on the other side of the room, a pale white and plain-looking figure springs up as it runs out of the door. Joseph, “What is your big plan, Tracy?” Tracy responds with full delight, “I’m going to ask Eli” Joseph looks at her in disbelief, “With the robot? I'm pretty sure it can’t talk.” Tracy looks at Joseph and responds, “He can see everything right? So we can ask him where Aesop is as long we get the message across to look here.” Murro is just looking at Tracy with amazement, Tracy looks at Murro and remarks, “Pretty smart huh?” Joseph facepalms, “We could have just gone to Eli and asked him, why did you have to make it this complicated?” Tracy looks at Joseph and says, “So we don't have to change the scene.” Murro just gives Tracy a look of confusion and says to Joseph, “So, who is Eli? I nicht know him” Joseph explains, “Eli is a seer, he can see pretty much everything. Though he doesn't know everything. He takes care of animals like you do, though its owls instead of… Those.” Wilbur squeals as if he understood Joseph.

Meanwhile, less than two blocks away, the excited tapping of metal along the pavement filled the long twisting streets of an unnamed country. These taps were coming from the robot that Tracy had made so proudly, all of its gears grinding to a halt as soon as it recognized the seer the people back in the cafe had spoken so fondly about. Eli looked up from what he was doing in his fortune-telling shop he ran with Patricia and Fiona, already sensing the mechanical being’s presence before it showed up before him. It gestures wildly in a form of greeting, Eli nearly nodding in response. He was able to read vibes with a nearly painful amount of accuracy, already noticing from the robot’s body language that Tracy herself was in distress. How a machine was able to reflect its creator with such accuracy was a mystery, but hey, it’s a fictional story and the writers can do whatever they hell they want. Eli wasn’t one to talk, so he just vibe checked the robot, reading up on the situation, and taking a moment to come up with the answer the others were looking for. He recited the location he saw in his mind to the robot, the mechanical being nodding once, then twice before scurrying off to the cafe once more. Once arriving there, it nearly collapsed on the floor, giving Tracy a mini heart attack. However, she and the others were quick to recover from this, sitting on their toes in hopes of an immediate answer. With the push of a button on the being’s controller, Tracy was able to play everything it heard back at the shop, Eli’s rare words being echoed far louder than he would have been willing to speak in person. “That’s my baby!” Tracy beamed, expressing her affections to her creation with a vigorous pat on the head. Despite not having a face, Joseph could have sworn that he sensed it smiling. He shrugged off the uncanny feeling quickly, setting the coffee in the fridge behind the counter before taking off the apron that served as a uniform, ending his shift like the absolutely reliable employee he was. “Alright, off to the unspecified location that Eli cryptically mentioned,” Joseph said with undoctored confidence. Murro nodded in agreement before standing up, Wilbur squealing with glee at the adventure he sensed before the three (technically 5) of them.

Tracy swiped sweat away from her forehead. ¨Why didn’t we bring a car?¨ Tracy complained while sitting down. They had been climbing a hill for a while now and everyone was tired. ¨Look at the… bright seite Trace! We get to enj-joy the scenery.” Murro pointed out. Tracy snorted. ¨Of course you would point that out, you wildling.¨ Tracy teased. ¨Guys, stop fighting please.¨ Joseph begged. Little did these joking friends know, they were being watched. A tall man stood in the shadows of the forest. He wore a long robe. ¨Looks like we have visitors.¨ He whispered with malice laced in his voice.

**Author's Note:**

> This is Blueberry speaking. I personally find this fanfiction to be a splendorous masterpiece, and I can´t believe that Dusty is even the slightest bit ashamed of helping to bring it into existence. I sincerely hope that you enjoy this disasterpiece, and slowly rot from the inside out like all of the motivation I thought I had before this. 
> 
> (Dusty called me a Dipshit and I´m personally offended. And F for Blueberry respect please)


End file.
